


Precognition

by TururaJ



Series: Superpower Cycle [1]
Category: Aldnoah.Zero (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of het, Pining, Post-Finale, not really UST but it is, superpower warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22209940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TururaJ/pseuds/TururaJ
Summary: As he finally realized that what he was seeing was - a possible future, something very similar to what he had experienced in Tharsis but not bound to five seconds - he wanted it gone.
Relationships: Kaizuka Inaho/Slaine Troyard
Series: Superpower Cycle [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802818
Comments: 14
Kudos: 167





	Precognition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [1300](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1300/gifts).



> This is a present to the wonderful [Vennieandroxie-san](https://twitter.com/vennieandroxie)!  
> My Dear Vennie, I'm sorry it took me so long to give birth to this story, almost half of a year? It was supposed to be one of several drabbles, but the old idea I always wanted to write had crawled into it, and it just grew. At least here I am finishing it on Slaine's birthday! I must say the story is all over the place: there are scenes I like and scenes I had to put up with; the smut I had planned also escaped to the neverland so I promise to make up for it in the next, hm, drabble. I'm still planning to do all those 7 pieces I mentioned. I can only hope you'll have a good time reading. Thank you for your always amazing Inasure arts and for staying true to our babies! Let's burn some more in AZ, shall we?

Slaine woke up in the middle of the night. There was a strange high-pitched sound coming from afar, and then for the longest ten seconds of his life the ground shook. He fell from his bunk bed, his shoulder flaring in pain, and stayed there, afraid to move. For years his life in prison had been uneventful and consisted of exactly: sleeping, eating, reading a book, then sleeping again. The guards and Kaizuka were all familiar faces; the days were silent; even the weather kept being a constant warm air seeping through the little window in his cell.

But today was different, so he stayed glued to the stone floor, wary, like a hunted animal sensing the unusual disturbance. There was a sudden rustle, a flash of light nearby, and in the end the only thing he managed in time was to open his mouth. The white ball of light hit him right in the chest, ignited it with the fluttering stinging ache and - was gone. Slaine hurried to switch on the night lamp on the wall and took off his shirt. He studied his chest worriedly but there was no change. The scars were in place; the stinging ache slowly subsided. Only his heart beat wildly.

He climbed back onto bed, tried to ponder over the strange occurrence but got drowsy very soon. Whatever happened was out of his hands, and it was silly to keep guessing. He would do better to sleep in case Kaizuka demanded to resume their chess war in the early morning, so he slept.

Kaizuka had indeed come in the morning but he had no chess board. Yawning, Slaine sat in front of him and rubbed his eyes.

“Nothing happened during the night,” Kaizuka said affirmatively, his lone eye staring intently at Slaine. Slaine didn’t hurry to answer because there was no question to begin with. It was odd, coming from Kaizuka who always preferred to voice his words plain and simple. Was that a hint for him to lie? The surveillance in the meeting room was heavy, and whatever Slaine would say the UFE would instantly become aware of. It was better to play safe, he decided.

“No,” he cocked his head to the side and returned Kaizuka’s deciphering look.

“Good.” Kaizuka Inaho had stood and turned to leave, obviously not caring enough that he was leaving Slaine in the dark.

“Make sure to take your umbrella next time you come,” Slaine blurted out when Kaizuka was near the door. He stiffened, hands clutching the back of his chair. Why the fuck had he said that? It seemed like Kaizuka had the same question on his mind if Slaine could judge it from the way he paused before exiting the room.

Slaine stared at the ceiling after he was escorted back to his cell. It was true that sometimes Kaizuka would come to visit him, drenched because of the rain, but today he was fine, and the hot season outside made sure there were no rainfalls, so why the hell he had said that?

Something was wrong with him, he knew it. Something was wrong because something had happened during the night, but he couldn’t grasp it no matter how much he tried.

***

It took him half of a year to figure it out, and when he did he felt bewildered. Kaizuka realized it first, probably, because he had long ago started taking his umbrella whenever Slaine would point it out to him. They never talked about the matter, and Slaine tried to keep his mouth shut most of the time. The matter was no joke, and if anyone from Vers or UFE would find out about it Slaine could only guess in what evil ways his calm life of repentance would immediately change. Maybe that’s why Kaizuka was staying silent too. He was saving Slaine. Again. And it somehow forced the fucking butterflies to come alive in his stomach. Slaine was tired of groaning when he looked at himself in the mirror. The new feeling was silly and destined to die in agony but he couldn’t chase it away.

He had started to like Kaizuka Inaho, their chess wars and short talks. The tranquil way the man held himself when they were together - as if Slaine hadn’t hurt him in the past, hadn’t attempted to destroy his friends, his home, his future. Kaizuka regarded him as a person, a human who had faults and made mistakes, but a human nonetheless. He cared for Slaine’s health and wellbeing, prevented any instances of bullying from the guards and made sure Slaine wouldn’t go mad by bringing him books and engaging him in chess fights. Kaizuka was a worthy opponent and an honorable person, and Slaine couldn’t ignore it anymore.

He had let go of thoughts about the Empress. It was long overdue, he decided, because there was nothing he would be able to do for her now. He was also a bit hurt, though he didn’t have any right for it, since she had never visited him at prison or sent any messages to him. He was unmistakably wrong to try and conquer Earth for her and her people, but he still had saved her from death, had gone to hell for her sake and she could find a minute to - at least - reprimand him for it. He would always have warm feelings for her, but the desperate yearning had finally settled and transformed into the gentle sadness.

And now, with Kaizuka being a steady support and looking very nice in that blue uniform of his, Slaine found it too easy to concentrate on the man rather than on things belonging to the past. Perhaps that’s why Kaizuka became a major element for finally figuring out what that strange night half a year ago had changed in him. Because throughout the past months Kaizuka Inaho was the only one Slaine was watching carefully. He didn’t pay attention to the guards: wasn’t interested in them and thus felt no need to.

It was like having a flashback, something important you would suddenly remember and be consumed by the emotions of an urgent realization. It happened on its own, uncontrolled, like the sudden desire to tell Kaizuka to take his umbrella or a charger for his tablet. To avoid eating the spoiled breakfast at the sunny cafeteria he had only a glimpse of in his head. To grab a spare outwear in case his coat gets dirty from the puddle water because of a passing by car. 

As he finally realized that what he was seeing was - a possible future, something very similar to what he had experienced in Tharsis but not bound to five seconds - he wanted it gone. To see the future was a power beyond anyone’s imagination, and if someone other than Kaizuka would know Slaine was sure to be persecuted or used. He didn’t want it, didn’t need it. He tried to stop the surge of images when he looked at Kaizuka, but he couldn’t. Resisting the power turned out to be futile. It came on its own if there was something that could endanger Kaizuka in the slightest or bring him any kind of hardships, even as small as a sick stomach.

When he became tired of fighting it he clenched his teeth and found the resolve to study it. It seemed like he needed a visual contact with a person to be able to see the troubles in their future. Slaine watched one of the guards closely and saw him splitting up with his girlfriend in a week. The second guard received the same amount of attention and Slaine knew he would break his arm in a month in a car accident. He debated hinting him or Kaizuka about the matter but in the end didn’t. The man’s life wasn’t in danger and Slaine didn’t want to endanger his own life. He ceased looking at the guards after it: didn’t need an additional guilt. Kaizuka was a safer choice to observe since he was too clever to get himself into any kind of major accidents.

And so the days of his prison life went on with only a slight disturbance from his new power and his newfound feelings for Kaizuka.

***

Kaizuka had brought the chess board again and started arranging the pieces the way they had finished the game during his last visit. His previous visit for once had been during the evening, and Slaine had been totally falling asleep and hadn’t cared about winning. That’s why they hadn’t finished the game, and it seemed like Kaizuka wanted to continue it now. The sly fox, Slaine called Kaizuka in his mind, because even an idiot would notice that Slaine was already heading for a loss. Or maybe Kaizuka wanted to test him, to see if he could extricate himself from losing, and that meant that there _was_ a winning strategy, despite his obvious disadvantage at this point.

Slaine was so busy thinking about his next move that he didn’t look up at Kaizuka until he shifted his piece. And then- there were screams in his head, the awful noise of howling metal, the smell of inescapable fire, and Slaine was falling into the abyss with no bottom, with no chance of grabbing onto life. A plane crash. He opened his eyes and bent his body in two, fighting the sudden desire to vomit the vision. It was so clear, so close - _tomorrow?_ \- and he could almost see Kaizuka in that shaking chaos, realizing he could do nothing, just sitting there, hands clutching the seat belts, and waiting for the final moment, thinking about his sister and that Slaine would stay uncared for.

“Troyard?”

It hurt. Losing Kaizuka like this would hurt. It also meant someone would take his place, here, in the prison, and Slaine doubted any other person would be as kind as Kaizuka. He had to do something. He had to warn Kaizuka against flying. He had to change the future. Slaine straightened his shoulders, opened his mouth and- shut it back. The fear was immense. What if Kaizuka didn’t know about his power? What if Slaine was mistaken and Kaizuka followed his advices just because he thought Slaine was trying to be considerate? What if he would give himself away and force Kaizuka to spit the information to the UFE? What if their talk would be eavesdropped?

He ignored Kaizuka’s scrutinizing look and moved one of his chess pieces as it was his turn to move. His hand was shaking and he knocked two other pieces nearby; he didn’t trust himself to put them back and allowed Kaizuka to do it in his stead. The game continued wordlessly, yet Slaine didn’t care about winning now. He needed to make a decision before Kaizuka would leave the room forever. He needed to force his lips open, because Kaizuka deserved that. Deserved another chance at life. He was a good man, a man who cared about his family, a man who would easily sacrifice himself for a proper cause, a man who strived to do right even for the likes of Slaine.

But… wasn’t that like sacrificing himself again? Like putting his trust in someone he shouldn’t? Another wrong choice, another failure, another path to his own doom. Slaine desperately moved his pieces and felt as a useless wooden toy himself. No… No! He should stop these thoughts. He owed Kaizuka much. And the war was long over: if he let Kaizuka die tomorrow he would really become a murderer.

In the end it was a matter of a choice, as always, between his own wellbeing and someone else’s. When Kaizuka collected the chess pieces and folded the board Slaine had only a second to stop him. It was a last moment decision, not even a conscious one. Slaine’s hand seemed to move on its own - he grabbed Kaizuka’s wrist as Kaizuka tried to stand up and pushed him to sit back - roughly. Kaizuka didn’t resist and didn’t try to free his hand either. Slaine couldn’t let go of it; he was too afraid that if he did he would never see Kaizuka again. Kaizuka’s wrist was firm - unlike Slaine he must have been doing some workout. And also it was warm; the contact made Slaine shudder. He had forgotten how it felt to touch another person.

“Troyard. Something is wrong today. Tell me.”

Kaizuka searched for his look, and Slaine, feeling as if his throat was constricted, croaked, “Don’t fly.”

Silence permeated the room so fully that Slaine could hear his own rushed breathing. Kaizuka had sat back on his chair, one of his hands still under Slaine’s siege. He could definitely feel the way Slaine was shaking, but even shame couldn’t force Slaine to let go until Kaizuka agreed with his crazy demand. Several minutes passed as they stared at each other, and then Kaizuka asked softly as if he was seriously considering Slaine’s words, “Are you sure?”

“Don’t fly,” Slaine repeated, louder this time, and squeezed Kaizuka’s hand painfully to take his point across. Their gazes locked again and Slaine held Kaizuka’s stubbornly until it was too maddening to go on without blinking.

“I see,” Kaizuka said as he got up, then carefully retrieved his hand. Slaine let go of it; there was nothing else he could do. Kaizuka seemed to understand what he was hinting at, and that meant his strange power was working just fine, even though it was the first time it had showed him something major. Slaine watched Kaizuka leaving, both hope and fear twisting his insides madly.

He couldn’t sleep for a week; the days dragged on. To distract himself Slaine watched his only guard - the other one was probably still nurturing his broken arm - but wasn’t able to see anything of interest. Just once he had a flash telling him the neighborhood dog would steal one of the guard’s boots and because of that the man was going to be late to work. It made him smile weakly throughout the void days.

When Slaine thought he couldn’t take it anymore and decided to ask the guard to call Kaizuka Inaho, Kaizuka had wandered into his cell himself. He was obviously alive, yet before Slaine was able to breathe out and relax, Kaizuka threw a folder with documents on his bed and told him, in his plain, monotone voice, “Sign these. I’m having you transferred to a proper location.”

And that was it, Slaine knew. That was the end of his calm prison life. He had trusted Kaizuka, and he would be damned for it. Slaine took the pen and put his sign in the papers, not caring to read them. It was his own fault and he’d get what he deserved for being a naïve fool. The bitterness burned him but he said nothing to Kaizuka, and the man left.

Slaine fell to his bed, closed his face with his arms. Why, why was he repeating the same mistakes over and over again?

***

The house was beautiful. It had only one floor but two bedrooms, a living room, a small kitchen and a comfortable bathroom with a real bathtub. He had stupidly stayed over the bathtub for an hour while Kaizuka was constantly walking in and asking him if he felt alright. Slaine felt alright. But, no, he felt shocked as well. And not because of the bathtub, although he hadn’t seen one ever since his childhood days. He felt shocked because he was transferred to a beautiful beach house instead of a new prison.

There was also no surveillance, and after Slaine had managed to walk out from the bathroom Kaizuka pulled the chair from under the table and gestured for him to sit. Slaine was served a perfect dinner, made by Kaizuka, and ate the food warily. It was still too hard for him to understand what was going on. Perhaps, Kaizuka had noticed his predicament: he started talking before Slaine had finished his plate.

“There was a secret military facility near the prison. They had studied the Aldnoah power there and how it could influence the human body - a joint project with Vers. It’s a difficult research and I wasn’t allowed to know most of it,” Kaizuka paused and looked at Slaine. Slaine felt goosebumps crawling down his back. “At one point they had tried to extract the Aldnoah factor from the power source and give it to a person who had never had any connections with the power, but they didn’t succeed. However, they did succeed in extracting… something, in the form a lightning ball. The scientists are still debating on what to call the phenomenon. I call it the ‘Aldnoah will’.”

Slaine moved the plate away and stared at Kaizuka; his heart beat wildly. He remembered perfectly the ball of white which had nestled into his chest and never came out. “W-what do you mean by… ‘will’?” 

“I cannot explain it scientifically or give you any proof,” Kaizuka confessed. He stood up, reached for the hot kettle and poured tea into a cup Slaine had to acknowledge was now his. It had a swarm of little bats on its side. “But the extracted power is strange; it almost seems alive. It refused to react to animals or people: all the scientists and test subjects were ignored. The team had called for me at that point since I have an Aldnoah factor. The ball of light had a different reaction when they allowed me inside the field. It circled me for some time, but went back to being dormant. And then suddenly during the following night it escaped.”

“Escaped?” Slaine accepted the tea gladly. It was a nice distraction for his trembling hands. The realization that he now somehow carried inside more of Aldnoah power was overwhelming. But it did explain the start of his visions.

“Exactly. Made all the protection systems self-distract; there was a large explosion. Thankfully, with no casualties. I hurried to visit you as soon as I got the news, had to make sure you wouldn’t say anything in case you had contact with it. Back then you got the hint, didn’t you, and lied to me,” Kaizuka sat back with his own cup, but it was obvious he wasn’t interested in drinking tea. The curiosity in his eye was unmistakable. “Since we’re not watched anymore I’d be very grateful to hear your side of the story. I had figured your new ability long ago, but it still comes as a surprise.”

“What happened to the plane?” Slaine asked, his voice unsteady. 

Kaizuka looked away for a moment, then answered reluctantly, “It crashed; no survivors. I refused the mission and didn’t fly; someone else went instead of me. I debated warning the flight company, but had no time to do it anonymously; it required the technologies I hadn’t at the moment. And if I went there as Kaizuka Inaho, the UFE representative, the inevitable questions would follow, leading back to the Aldnoah research and you. I couldn’t risk it. I also couldn’t risk you staying in the prison any longer, so I had fought with UFE and Vers for your transfer. Your imprisonment has been going for several years already, and it felt like an acceptable move. They have agreed on terms that I would still work as your overseer.”

Slaine was speechless. The butterflies made another somersault in his stomach. He held the cup in his hands tighter, watching as the steam rose over the water surface. Kaizuka Inaho had done a lot of things for him. Even now - he made tea for Slaine as if he sensed Slaine needed something to ward off the chill of the heard story, the fear after having been transported to the unknown place. Slaine felt beyond grateful. He felt… longing. Longing for something unreachable, impossible, ever elusive.

“…Thank you,” he whispered, hiding his eyes from Kaizuka, and felt the scorching fire of this new yearning heating his body in an unfamiliar way. He would not look at Kaizuka because if he did he’d stare at his lips. Oh, he’d stare shamelessly. And he must not let that happen.

It was later, when they had finished talking and Kaizuka had left the house, and Slaine stood alone in front of the mirror in the living room, naked and trying to persuade himself that Kaizuka Inaho would never want his ugly body or any part of his torn soul, that he had a sudden vision.

He was years older, yet he stood near the same mirror and smiled a small contented smile as he leant into Kaizuka’s tight embrace. There were lips kissing his neck, hands wrapped around body, boundless gentleness, which he was showered with, and he felt happy, complete.

The vision slithered away, dropping him back into a darkened silent room, into loneliness, and Slaine touched helplessly his chest where Kaizuka’s hand had been just a second ago. It could not have been a _vision_ because there was nothing dangerous or foul in it, and he never had visions when he looked at himself. Was that… his imagination, his wishful thinking, perhaps?

Slaine took a step back and forced his eyes away from his reflection. Whatever the vision was about, he knew it was not meant to be.

***

In the days that followed Slaine indulged himself in everything he could. He swam a lot in the sea, enjoying the magnificent water. He sunbathed at the beach, laughing as hot sand burned his toes when he got up from the blanket. He emptied the large fridge, remembering Kaizuka had promised to restock it every week. He refused to sleep and watched the starry sky and the way the ascending sunrise colored the sea. A month had not yet passed, and he already knew he loved the place and wanted to stay here forever.

Kaizuka continued to visit him, brought him food and asked about his health, engaged him in long chess matches and also cooked for him sometimes. He acted as usual, just as he had been in prison: attentive and caring, yet never crossing the line behind which real closeness lay. Slaine took what he could: the curious talks, the heated matches, the shared dinners, the sole presence of Kaizuka once a week but for a few blissful hours.

“You never clearly explained why you called the Aldnoah phenomenon as ‘Aldnoah will’,” Slaine reminded him one day as they were finishing a particularly vigorous chess game.

“The way the Aldnoah factor manifested in the Vers Royal family and kept only in their blood,” Kaizuka’s answer was slow; he was too engrossed in the match. “And also the way the extracted power refused to react to people and found its way to you… I believe it was conscious, to an extent, perhaps. It wanted a worthy carrier, and it found one.”

“I… am worthy?” Slaine chuckled, cheeks suddenly aflame, and allowed Kaizuka to win the board.

Kaizuka sat back, the look in his eye obviously telling he was satisfied with his victory, and said, in his sure voice, “I believe you are.”

“I… am g-going for a swim,” Slaine stuttered and rushed out of the house, taking off his shirt as he trotted over the warm sand. The sunset was on its way, so the water must have cooled a bit. It suited Slaine just fine. He had a silly arousal he needed to kill. And kill fast. Kaizuka’s honesty was torturing him often, and today was no exception.

Most of the time he could control his reactions, the way he regarded Kaizuka, the way he acted around him, the way he talked to him, but there would always be moments when Slaine would find himself cornered by his longing, by the desire to reach out with his hand and touch Kaizuka’s shoulder, to feel the form and firmness of it and how it would move under Slaine’s fingers. He wanted to press himself against Kaizuka and breathe in his scent, to learn all the curves and plains of his body, to caress his mesmerizing dark hair, its softness and texture. In his worst sinful moments he longed to capture Kaizuka’s eye-patch between his teeth, tear it away and lick the old wound, to hear how Kaizuka would whisper his name and accept him - with all the baggage of his past, in spite of their dead hatred.

Being alone six days a week allowed him to fall prey to his own body. God save him, he had never wanted anything like this when he had been fond of the Empress. His love for her was selfless and pure; he had never dared to imagine himself as her lover. Having feelings for Kaizuka was different. Earthly. Mind-blowing. Dirty, in a way. Maybe he was older now, that’s why his body responded with indecent wants and lewd desires. He tried to withstand the overwhelming pull, but in the end surrendered to it.

Morning would find him rolling in the sheets, hot and bothered, moaning senseless words into the pillow as he touched himself. Evenings became the same torture: he’d press his forehead against the shower wall and imagine Kaizuka there with him, their lips and limbs joined in a desperate dance. Sometimes he’d lose himself even in the sea, his hand inevitably finding its way into his pants as the water stroked his body.

It was like a fever; he was burning with it. Day after day after day. And it was renewed with each Kaizuka’s visit. Calling himself pathetic, snarling at his reflection in the mirror, shoving his head under the cold shower water, understanding that Kaizuka would never look at him in the same way - nothing could stop his body and mind from the greedy swarm of feelings. They raged, hidden, inside of him as Kaizuka’s demeanor continued to stay placid and emotionless, and Slaine was certain he would die from this fierce torment.

Until that day came.

It was a usual Friday visit. Kaizuka took off his blue coat, rolled his shirt sleeves up and started to set up the chessboard on the table in the living room. Slaine had just finished arranging the fresh food in the fridge and left the kitchen to join Kaizuka. The vision rippled through him - so blinding he could almost feel it as it embraced him in its painful claws. He couldn’t stop his hand from clutching his father’s locket, yet the faint coldness of it wasn’t enough - it was _never_ enough - and he brushed it aside. Instead, he dug his fingers into the skin over his heart, pressed his forehead against the wooden doorframe, tried to breathe. Ah, he had almost forgotten how excruciating it was to crash onto earth. He had dared to think he’d die from the simple feelings of want? How foolish of him whereas his whole life was paraded by _agony_.

“Troyard?” There was the barely noticeable worry in Kaizuka’s voice, “Another perilous vision?”

“…Not really,” Slaine managed to wheeze and bit down the hysterical laughing. He sagged into the chair opposite Kaizuka and lowered his head. He felt old, tired beyond all the possible limits, wingless once again. He knew it was stupid to have hopes so why did it hurt so much now? Still, he lifted his hand and made the first move on the board, then asked, without any real curiosity, “When is the wedding?”

“In a month,” Kaizuka didn’t hurry to move his own piece. His attention was glued to Slaine. He was evidently holding back from voicing questions. Slaine could play it evil, just out of bitterness and groundless spite, but didn’t have the energy.

“She’s a beauty. Congratulations,” he said, attempting to sound honest. The glimpse of a girl he saw was very vivid. She _was_ a beauty: short dark hair, shy smile, an adorable pout, quiet, but strong character, patient - someone very suited for the likes of Kaizuka Inaho. They would be happy for _years_ , Slaine foresaw it.

“Is something going to threaten Inko or me?” Kaizuka finally asked, chess game completely forgotten at this point. Slaine avoided his look.

“No, your lives are not in danger,” he took a pause to think over his next words. The pain was not diminishing; he wanted to stay alone and let himself crumble.

“Then?” Kaizuka inquired further, obstinate when Slaine didn’t need him to be.

It was a matter of choice, again. Cruel - as everything in Slaine’s life always had been. He had to put Kaizuka’s happiness over his own. But no, who did he want to humor? If there was something to put over Kaizuka’s happiness, then it was only the miserable, laughable possibility that Kaizuka Inaho would look one day at him as his lover. Which was only wishful thinking. Kaizuka would never want to hold him or kiss him, he’d never want to caress his shoulder or touch his bare skin. He would do all of that with his future wife.

“Then, perhaps, you’ll need to think about your wife more than about your work,” Slaine spit out, “If you want to keep the marriage, that is.”

Kaizuka became silent, his look distant. Slaine watched his rolled up sleeves and the patches of skin they revealed. He wanted to claw his hands into Kaizuka’s arms and beg him to stay here, with him, forever. Of course, he did no such thing.

“I’ll make sure to treat her the way she deserves,” Kaizuka said at last, and Slaine felt dizzy. He was sinking into the ocean of void, slowly and inevitably, like an old worn battleship, his sails torn, his deck rotten after so many years of fighting and pointless wandering, of searching for the most important treasure in the world, and failing - always failing. Maybe he was born to suffer, to exist for someone else’s future, to pave the path for others. Maybe that’s why he now had this power of precognition. He was always doing his best: for his father, for the Empress, for her people, for Kaizuka - and having this ability now suited the travesty of his life just fine.

“Yeah,” Slaine breathed out, keeping his gaze on the chess board. “Make sure that you do.”

***

Three years. ‘It’s already been three years?’ he wondered as he looked at the calendar and checked the year to make sure. Usually he didn’t pay much attention to time; it slipped away from his mind. What could time mean in the constant abyss of loneliness he was subjected to by fate? Tomorrow would be his thirtieth birthday, and he wasn’t even sure if Kaizuka would manage to be there.

Slaine fell onto the couch in the living room and stared emptily at the ceiling; the rain was assaulting the window, the world behind it grey and cold. The winter tended to become a rainfall season, severing Slaine from the warm sea, and he hated it. Sea was all he had nowadays; sea was the only solace he had. It was vast and strong; it stayed unchanged and carried all the storms on its surface, kept the life deep inside it safe. Sea was what made him continue breathing, waking up and forcing food inside his thin body. Sea and… Kaizuka.

But thinking about Kaizuka hurt. It’d been three years and it still hurt. Sometimes, looking at Kaizuka when he visited, Slaine would see glimpses of his married life. Like the way Kaizuka would burn his hand when he’d sleepily try to cook breakfast for his wife, or the way she’d accidently destroy his shirt as she’d pour juice into his glass. Small and silly visions, they never showed anything dangerous, yet Slaine hated them with all his heart. These moments were something that would never belong to him; they made him ache and desperate all over again. He never told Kaizuka about them; plus one shirt to throw into the washing machine wasn’t a serious matter, was it?

Honestly, he was astonished that Kaizuka kept coming to visit him after his marriage. True, Slaine needed food and some household items, but he was sure something could be arranged for Kaizuka to stop wasting his time, yet Kaizuka never seemed to want to cut on his visits. Sometimes he would come now once in two weeks, and not in one, like he used to before, but he would always say he was sorry and explain to him why he couldn’t be there. Slaine would keep silent and nod and then play chess against Kaizuka and try to look like he was fired for it.

He felt miserable. His life was miserable. The way he longed for the crumbs of warmth whenever Kaizuka was visiting was miserable. Still, his stupid heart persisted, and he carried on with all the pain and yearning, despite his crushed hopes. It was not a happy life, he kept telling himself, but it was a better life than ever before. He had a home, he had tasty food, he had books and a company of another human being. He should stop being greedy.

The noise came from the hallway; the familiar steps resounded in the house, and soon Kaizuka Inaho stood over him, holding a cheerfully green bag in his hands. By the form of it Slaine guessed there was a book inside. He looked up at Kaizuka silently, forbade himself to betray the sudden horde of emotions that stirred within him. For once, Kaizuka wasn’t wearing his UFE attire: he had a nicely looking, slim fitted black shirt on, and its short sleeves opened up a seductive view on his bare arms. His legs were clothed in the black tight jeans, and Slaine could easily see now a man Kaizuka Inaho had grown into, his lean, yet strong body. Kaizuka didn’t manage to catch up to Slaine’s height, but whenever Slaine would compare them in his mind the small victory meant nothing. Slaine was tall but thin and bony; he didn’t exercise much. Swimming was the only unintentional sport he did. He shunned looking after himself ever since his early prison days - it was pointless. No one would want him or his body anyway.

“Is that my present?” Slaine muttered quietly; he needed a distraction because he kept ogling Kaizuka. The man was deathly sexy today, and it made his longing heavier to bear.

“Kind of,” Kaizuka put the bag onto the low coffee table and directed himself to the kitchen. “I’ll start on dinner then we can discuss your present. I also apologize for the early congratulation but I won’t be able to come tomorrow.”

“I see,” Slaine said to Kaizuka’s back, ignored the pang of sadness and reluctantly got up from the couch. So, he would be alone on his birthday. Nothing new.

When Slaine entered the kitchen Kaizuka was already chopping vegetables with practiced ease. Slaine snatched a glance of his arms again and started setting the table. They rarely talked when Kaizuka was cooking, and Slaine liked it. It gave him the time to observe, the chance to feel useful, the chance to pretend like they were working together. Slaine did simple stuff: washed the food or prepared the utensils. But it granted him the much needed sense of unity. And he craved for it, craved for it like a pitiful starved animal.

Yet sometimes it was painful as well. As he stared at Kaizuka, the traitorous visons returned and pervaded his consciousness, suffocating his heart with new aches. Kaizuka, getting drunk from only a glass of whiskey and tripping amidst the crowd in what looked like a beach club, his wife equally scared and embarrassed. Kaizuka, with his wife again, assaulted by the desert heat during a long excursion. Kaizukas’ flight back home delayed for two days, and Kaizuka getting a harsh scolding from the higher-ups because of it. Sunny days, resulting in sunburns; stormy days, leaving Kaizuka with a cold: truly a vacation to remember.

Dizziness hit him and he sat down on the chair, waiting for the inane visions to let him free. Kaizuka seemed to notice his poor state and finished setting up the table. Slaine hurt, hurt for what he had seen - the vacation he would never share with Kaizuka. Even if by some miraculous string of fate they would have ended up together Slaine would always be bound to his home, to this beach house - still a prison despite its comfy walls. He hid his face in his palms. So tomorrow he’d be thirty, huh? He wished time would fly faster, and he could open his eyes for the last time on his death bed. He knew that with each passed day he was falling deeper and deeper into despair but there was nothing he could do to prevent it. He was burning alive.

As if sensing his distress - maybe Slaine wasn’t as good at hiding it anymore - Kaizuka had stopped tending to the food, and instead had brought the green bag from the living room. The paper rustled as he had pulled a thick journal out of it. Slaine couldn’t ignore his supposed present; he took it in his hands when Kaizuka pushed the journal towards him over the table surface. Before, Kaizuka’s presents were plain: either a book or something useful for the house or to Slaine himself, things like clothes or a new shampoo. But the journal looked too simple even for Kaizuka to regard it as a present. For once, Slaine felt intrigued.

“I will be promoted soon, and my workload will increase,” Kaizuka said when Slaine carefully turned the colorful title page. “You might need some company besides me.”

The journal consisted of photographs. Slaine kept turning the pages automatically, feeling as something inside him was dying. Cats and dogs, parrots and turtles, bunnies and hamsters, and other countless animals - some had cute names, some had long stories written under their images, some had large red ‘Choose me! I don’t want to be alone!’ writings right over their little faces, and for a second Slaine could almost see himself turning another page and finding his own photo on it with a sarcastic inscription: ‘A Vers dog. Abandoned by Kaizuka Inaho in favor of his wife and work. Take me in, someone!’

No. He couldn’t take it.

“I don’t need a _pet_!” he screamed as he threw the journal across the kitchen. Kaizuka seemed to be taken aback, but Slaine didn’t wait to watch his reaction. He shoved the chair he had been sitting on aside and walked out of the house.

He wanted to breathe, wanted to feel alive, but the misery of his life had no end. Rain soaked him in a matter of seconds; he didn’t care to put on his boots and trotted over the wet sand on his bare feet. It was cold, he welcomed it. The evening was still away, and he was met with a view of the restless sea. It raged too: big waves were crashing onto the shore, water cutting up the air and slapping the earth brutally. Slaine wanted nothing more but to step into those waves and finally find freedom. He raised his arms, opened his lips, let the strong winds encircle him. If only the rain could erase him like it destroyed the sand castles he sometimes created on the shore out of boredom.

“Troyard!” Kaizuka was calling for him over the noises of the ferocious nature. Of course he would follow him, Slaine thought desperately, Kaizuka was too kind to leave Slaine alone. That’s why Slaine fell in love with him in the first place, didn’t he? “Troyard, it’s too cold, you’ll fall ill! Troyard, I’m sorry if I did something wrong, but I don’t understand. Come back and let us discuss it!”

Slaine turned around, standing at the edge of where the stormy sea tried to devour the earth, and looked at Kaizuka. He didn’t dress into his outerwear too and was soaked now; his dark wet hair was sticking to his forehead and cheeks. Kaizuka looked worried, and it wasn’t surprising. After his first year in prison Slaine never allowed himself to do scenes or show his emotions much. But he couldn’t hold back, not now. It had been _three years of agony_ and he was going to see Kaizuka even less now. He was going to be alone - so alone that apparently Kaizuka had felt the need to get him a fucking pet.

“You _won’t understand_!” Slaine yelled as he stepped back. Waves crashed behind his back, so near, so close, so fierce; they were a part of him. The only part that felt him, caressed him, accepted him, was there when he needed it, saw all his longing and pain. Other people had people, but Slaine Troyard had only the sea. How mad and laughable did that sound? He shook his wet hair wildly, enjoying the way it slapped his face and laughed, “You will _never_ understand!”

Too caught up in his searing anguish, he didn’t notice Kaizuka’s approach. The touch burned him; it was like they were suddenly back to space, a dozen of years ago, when Kaizuka held his kataphrakt’s hand. Only now he was holding his bare wrist, and Slaine felt the inescapable pull, the fall to Earth, back where it hurt constantly, twenty four hours a day, in his dreams also. Back where he woke up in tears often, where food had no taste and books had lost colors ages ago. He didn’t want to go back there; he wanted to stay with the sea.

“I don’t know why you are like this but we are going back to the house,” Kaizuka’s voice was firm; he was dragging Slaine back despite his chaotic struggles.

“Don’t touch me!” Slaine roared, tried to wrest out his hand but Kaizuka was stronger. And with each step away from water Slaine sensed that line, that edge he hated to cross. No human should ever stand in front of that line. Falling down there was too cruel, it always left scars, it changed you, tore you, ripped your heart apart.

“Don’t touch me!” he begged, falling on his knees. He wanted to howl his pain into the earth, but Kaizuka still held his arm outstretched so his forehead never reached the sand. He was breaking-breaking- _breaking_.

“Troyard-”

In an instant the sea receded, and Slaine could hear nothing anymore. Sounds ceased to exist. Kaizuka was soaked, but so very warm. Slaine wound his hands around Kaizuka’s back, found a safe haven for his head beneath Kaizuka’s chin and stilled, fingers clutching Kaizuka’s ruined shirt tighter and tighter. His knees were sinking into the wet sand; toes were cold and hurt awfully. He shook like an addict who suddenly received a heavenly dose. Yet Kaizuka held him - awkwardly but firmly, and all the fire, rage and misery were gone, discarded in favor of a mere embrace. Kaizuka’s back under his palms felt endless; his shoulder resembled a robust rock, accepting all of Slaine’s weight and sins as he pressed his cheek into it and breathed in the cold air that for once felt vibrant.

The world was regaining its colors slowly, and Slaine was lulled by the continuing rain. Kaizuka wordlessly got on his feet, pulled him up and he followed, refusing to end the hug when Kaizuka tried to step away. They froze, staying at the edge of the sea. Slaine kept his head on the precious newfound shoulder, and his behavior must have puzzled Kaizuka, because he obviously didn’t know what to do and just stood together with him, not risking breaking the embrace anymore.

“Hold me,” Slaine was bold up to a dangerous point, but he didn’t care. Not today. “Stay with me tonight.”

“Troyard?” Kaizuka’s hand moved lower onto Slaine’s back in an inadvertent caress, and Slaine barely held back a sob. “Explain. I don’t…”

“No,” unable to contain his frustration, Slaine hit Kaizuka’s shoulder with his fist, then sank his fingers into it again. “…Please.”

Maybe it was the bad weather that had forced Kaizuka to agree in the end, or maybe he really took pity on him. Reaching the house was difficult, but somehow they managed it with Slaine attached to Kaizuka as if he became one of his limbs. The only time he let go of the warm body was when Kaizuka insisted they both take a hot shower. Slaine would march inside together with Kaizuka happily, but that would destroy all of his three-year pretense, so he let Kaizuka go in first and sat at the stool dumbly, waiting for his turn. It took him several minutes to take a shower, and when he emerged he found Kaizuka on his own bed, telling his wife over the phone that he wouldn’t be able to come home today. Kaizuka had to dress himself in Slaine’s clothing because his garments were drying in the living room, and Slaine already knew what he would be hugging desperately the next night.

When Kaizuka finished the call Slaine walked to the bed, shamelessly attached himself to Kaizuka’s arm and lied down, dragging Kaizuka to join him on the blanket. For a second he felt ashamed, because he was doing something Kaizuka’s wife would never approve or, perhaps, even know. It almost seemed like he was making Kaizuka cheat on her, though Slaine understood nothing would happen between them. All he wanted was one night when he could enjoy Kaizuka’s presence and the ridiculously small amount of contact he could salvage from it. Slaine would never allow himself more than pressing his forehead against Kaizuka’s shoulder or holding his hand.

“What is wrong with you, Troyard?” Kaizuka asked quietly, but the question didn’t have any real firmness. It was like Kaizuka was just wondering aloud, searching for an answer that successfully hid away from his genius mind. Slaine stayed silent and pretended to fall asleep, yet never let go of Kaizuka’s arm.

When it became too dark, Kaizuka’s breathing finally evened out, his body relaxed completely. Slaine kissed shyly the shoulder he was pressing into, touched the tips of Kaizuka’s hair, reveling in its softness and freshness. It was all he could allow himself to do, all he could risk stealing, all he would ever have.

He didn’t sleep: every second was too precious. Yet morning came, it always did. Kaizuka’s alarm went off early, he sat on the bed sleepily, hair sticking in every direction, and Slaine relaxed his hold, fingers dragging over Kaizuka’s warm skin for the last time.

Kaizuka looked at him, adjusted his eye-patch, and asked, still sounding a bit puzzled, “Are you feeling better?”

Slaine didn’t answer; he extracted himself from the bed by sheer force of will and went to the kitchen to heat yesterday’s food. They shared breakfast in silence, and Slaine remembered about his birthday only as he watched Kaizuka putting on his warm jacket, ready to leave.

“Kaizuka,” he said decisively. He couldn’t stay alone anymore. He would go mad. It’s been only three years, and he had the rest of his life to hold on. “Get me a pet.”

***

Having animals around became a blessing. Roxie was a two year old Labrador, very joyful and active. She had tried to lick Kaizuka to death when he stopped the car near Slaine’s house, and Slaine barely held back the laugh. He fell in love with her immediately as she trotted, curious, towards him over the stone path when Kaizuka had let go of her collar. The moment he slid his hand over her golden fur felt like magic: Roxie looked up at him and sat at his legs, wiggled her tail. In a second they fell in sync with each other and were bonded together for life. Slaine could finally feel the void ebbing away, replaced by something tentative, yet strong, something one cannot describe merely with words.

Roxie’s history was sad but simple: her owners had to migrate to the city from the country house, and it became too tedious to keep the large energetic dog in a small apartment, so they put her up for adoption. Slaine knew his beach house would be perfect for her; in the coming years they would share a lot of long walks near the sea and he’d happily swim with her. He had nothing to do anyway so he’d lavish his dog with his full attention and give her all the love she deserved.

Kaizuka had surprised him as he pulled a carrier from the passenger seat, and Slaine saw a thin mongrel cat inside. The first days Vennie - the black and white ball of fur - kept very unresponsive and didn’t let Slaine touch her. She’d find a haven under his bed or inside his wardrobe and hide there until it was time to eat. Gaining her trust wasn’t easy; Slaine gave her space and waited. Kaizuka hadn’t exactly told him Vennie’s history, but from the scraps he had mentioned Slaine knew abuse was involved. Vennie was very lucky to get to the vet center, and Slaine grew determined to make her happy.

The first time she came to sleep on the corner of his bed as he had lied down to read a book, he celebrated later by baking cakes and giving Vennie the raw meat which he had cut into small pieces. Perhaps, meat was the final element to gain her trust, because ever since then Vennie kept following him around, even when he’d go to the toilet. Sometimes Roxie would become jealous and try to squeeze herself in the small space, making Slaine laugh his lungs out and making Vennie look at her like she was eternally stupid. The two girls held a silent war for his attention, but never fought, accepting him as their owner. Or a pack leader, perhaps, Slaine thought ironically from time to time. Still, these thoughts were happy.

Pets were precious, loyal; with them he slowly learned how to feel loved; he was having a family. His family wasn’t perfect, wasn’t the most desired dream of his, but it was a family nonetheless, and it helped him so much as the years continued to run into nothingness. Kaizuka’s visits were getting rare; he was immersed in work even more after he had got his promotion. He’d stare emptily at the wall whenever he’d find time to visit; he’d lose chess matches; he’d fall asleep on Slaine’s couch, and Slaine would stare longingly at his tired face before forcing himself to leave the room.

The most often visions Slaine had in the next three years was Kaizuka suffering from headaches, and at one point he had stopped warning Kaizuka about them: it was useless; the idiot kept working himself to death, and Slaine couldn’t figure out the reason, no matter how hard he tried. Seriously, Kaizuka had a real family: his wife, his sister, a horde of friends, he had a home and he had money. What _else_ was there to desire? The mere thought scared him, but Slaine knew it would probably happen one day. Kids. Kaizuka, sure, was going to have a child in the future, wasn’t he? And Slaine knew that news of a child would be something that would make him beg Kaizuka to stop seeing him at all. A child would be the final line for Slaine to bury his dreams. He was honest with himself; he still hoped, deep down, for Kaizuka to notice him one day.

The night was just one more night when he couldn’t sleep. Vennie was playing with a toy mouse in the living room, and Slaine listened to the loud sounds of claws hitting the floor. He was also petting Roxie who had climbed onto his couch and now napped with her face on his hip. It was a usual night, and Slaine thought nothing of it until he heard the noise of the approaching car. He wasn’t worried it could be anyone else but UFE or Kaizuka; by now he knew the beach house stood on the military territory that was guarded heavily, so no civilian could sneak in. He dressed himself in light pants and his favorite undershirt, glanced out of the window and recognized the familiar shape of the headlights. The car was Kaizuka’s.

He turned the light in the hall, yawned and opened the front door just in time for Kaizuka to step on the porch. Or at least Slaine had expected him to step on the porch. Instead, Kaizuka Inaho staggered to the side and landed in the thick bushes that grew near the house. Slaine blinked, confused, before the worry took over. He rushed to Kaizuka and pulled him up, held him under his armpits, afraid Kaizuka might be ill or sick. The scent of alcohol convinced him otherwise, and Slaine winced as he led Kaizuka inside the house, feeling lost, because never before he had seen Kaizuka Inaho drunk aside from the vacation vision from long ago. Slaine had to admit Kaizuka was a good kind of drunk: he tried to move his legs where Slaine led him, didn’t utter any stupidities or made any resistance. They ended up in Slaine’s bedroom. Kaizuka dropped to bed like a dead body, and Slaine panted, trying to catch his breath. Kaizuka wasn’t a light load.

Slaine had thought up no less than a hundred questions, but when he found the strength to speak it was too late. Kaizuka turned to his side and fell asleep, still fully dressed. Slaine crouched with a grunt, intending to at least take off Kaizuka’s boots, when Roxie’s face appeared in the doorframe. She jumped on the bed, licked Kaizuka’s cheek and decided his belly was the most comfy place to take another nap. Slaine laughed and let Roxie stay: it would be the perfect revenge for Kaizuka in the morning. Because, really, Slaine had no need of any drunkards in his house. Wasn’t it Kaizuka’s wife’s responsibility to tend to him?

Despite the slight irritation, Slaine was worried. What had forced Kaizuka to come to him during the night, drunk? Slaine had no visions lately and didn’t glimpse anything now, so, most probably, it couldn’t be anything life-threatening? He frowned, unable to sleep. As if sensing his distress Vennie jumped on the couch and let him pet her; her presence made him calm down. Kitchen seemed like a nice place to spend the rest of the night, so he went there to prepare breakfast in advance and took his favorite book from the bookshelf.

It was after seven in the morning when Kaizuka shuffled into the kitchen, reaching out with his hand to hold onto everything he could find: first, the door, then the wall, then the fridge. Despite the hours of sleep he must have still been dizzy, because he had almost missed the chair as he lowered himself to sit on it. He gripped his head with his hands and froze in that pose for a long time, letting the silence stretch. Slaine closed his book, put it away and took mercy on Kaizuka: pushed the glass of water towards him together with the painkillers. Kaizuka swallowed the pills wordlessly, and Slaine waited another twenty minutes for the meds to take effect.

“So, what happened?” he asked finally as he noticed the moment Kaizuka had slumped his shoulders in relief.

“You didn’t foresee it?” Kaizuka croaked, yet before Slaine could say anything, he corrected himself. “No, you did see it. Years ago.”

“What do you mean?” Slaine frowned, a strange feeling of dread overtaking him. He had seen a lot of things in the past, but they weren’t major, were they? Had he missed something important? Something he could have prevented?

“Inko is pregnant.”

It was like a punch, like someone had kicked him in his gut, and the pain flared, unbidden, unwanted; his worst fear coming alive. What was supposed to be Kaizuka’s greatest happiness was his downfall, his very end. His head was spinning, too little oxygen to breathe, too little life left inside of him. He had to be brave though. Congratulations were in order, right? Slaine dug his nails into his hips painfully and opened his traitorous lying mouth.

“She’s pregnant, and the child isn’t mine,” Kaizuka added loudly as if he still, too, couldn’t believe the words. He paused, looked Slaine in the eyes, and for the first time ever Slaine was able to clearly see the feelings tearing Kaizuka apart: hurt and confusion the most of all. “She’s divorcing me.”

“Oh,” was the only thing Slaine managed to breathe out. He had only seconds to go from the pain, eating him alive, into the abyss of bewilderment. He immediately forbade himself to think. Kaizuka was getting a divorce? A divorce? Divorce! Divorce-divorce-divorce. Di-vor-ce!

“I don’t understand,” Kaizuka confessed honestly, his gaze glued to the table now. “I agreed to promotion to get more money. I planned to buy a house before we could have children. I told her that. She told me she’d wait. And now that it’s only six months left for my contract to end, she tells me she was tired of waiting all these years. Where did I do wrong, Troyard?”

Divorce! Divo… Slaine coughed, angry at himself for being unable to control the stupid word that seemed to own his mind. Kaizuka obviously felt lost and needed someone to be there for him, to try and explain things for him. And of all people on Earth and Mars he had chosen Slaine. Slaine couldn’t leave him alone in the dark. Kaizuka was hurt, and, despite his own pain, Slaine never wished for him to feel unhappy.

“Perhaps…” he chose his next words carefully. He knew Kaizuka’s wife only from the glimpses of her in his visions, but he could easily imagine what could bother a grown up woman if her husband worked himself to death. “Perhaps, she didn’t need a large house, Kaizuka. Or money. Perhaps, she only needed you by her side?”

“But she agreed to wait,” Kaizuka was hiding his head in his hands again. “I always paid attention to the vision you warned me about, and I always talked everything with her before making decisions.”

No, Slaine couldn’t help it. His heart hurt for Kaizuka and he got up only to lower on his knees near the man. His hands wounded themselves carefully around Kaizuka’s and he brought them down to Kaizuka’s lap, entwined their fingers. Kaizuka was looking at him from above now, and Slaine let the tenderness he had carried through the years flow free in his voice.

“Inaho,” he said, paused, listening to how Vennie had started to crunch on her morning delicacy. The house stood cozily silent, greeting a new day. “I think you did well; maybe you did the best you could. But - look at me - sometimes it isn’t enough. You can’t control the heart. The agreement you two made… maybe she had forgotten about it over the course of years, or maybe she had decided to ignore it. Maybe if she had been someone else she’d never agree to wait in the first place, or maybe someone else would have waited for their whole life. I’m afraid the only thing you can do right now is - accept it. Even knowledge about the future wasn’t able to help you, so perhaps… Perhaps, there are things we cannot change. Perhaps, life moves the way it must, and what we can do - is move along with it, forward, and never stop.”

Slaine hadn’t remembered afterwards for how many minutes he had been sitting there, holding Kaizuka’s hands. Kaizuka hadn’t uttered a word anymore, just pressed his forehead against the table and stayed like that until Roxie’s demanding bark rang in the kitchen; it was time to go for a walk with the girl. Slaine reheated tea for Kaizuka and left the house. Roxie was definitely enjoying the quiet summer morning: she was energetic as hell and kept pushing against his legs, wanted him to run together with her. But all Slaine could do is keep his palm pressed over his lips. In his mind anxiety was waging a war on his shameful excitement.

But, no, even his concern for Kaizuka couldn’t scare away the realization that Kaizuka was free now. Kaizuka was getting a divorce! Divorce!

***

“Do you mind?” Kaizuka asked, and a cookie Slaine was chewing on fell from his mouth. He didn’t look down to check where it landed, just stood there like an idiot, too shocked to hear the news. Vennie ran from the living room to sniff at the sudden snack but seemed to dislike it; she rubbed against Slaine’s legs in a silent plea for her favorite meat.

“What… did you say?” Slaine gulped down the water from his cup in an attempt to calm down; his hands were close to trembling.

“We’re selling the flat and dividing the money,” Kaizuka explained again, his gaze fixed at the suitcase he had just carried inside the house. “Inko is going to live with her lover, and I don’t want to worry Yuki, she’s too busy with her little twins. Also, your place is near the military base, so, do you mind I stay here for a while?”

“I…” The words got stuck in his throat; he coughed. “Yeah, sure. Though the second bedroom is often used by Roxie, so… um, dog hair?”

“Acceptable,” Kaizuka nodded, dragged his suitcase past Slaine and disappeared in the said room with Vennie on his heels; the girl was probably interested in the unfamiliar activity. Slaine escaped to the kitchen and poured himself a rare glass of cognac - Kaizuka’s present from several years ago. He needed it desperately; the feeling of doom was overwhelming. Roxie stared at him curiously from under the table where she was taking a nap near her plate, apparently, already too eager for her dinner.

“Give me strength, love,” Slaine muttered to her and emptied his glass in one go.

The following days were confusing. Suddenly, Kaizuka was everywhere: cooking, cleaning, leaving his clothes in the living room, joining him on the walks with Roxie in the evenings. He even went as far as stealing Vennie to measure her weight and proposed a new diet. They shared breakfasts and dinners, played chess and watched films; they talked about silly things and argued over current politics. Five months passed in a flash, yet Kaizuka’s presence still felt surreal. One moment Slaine would be irritated at Kaizuka for drinking his juice, and the next he’d find himself staring blankly at the ceiling. He felt strangely: he couldn’t deny he was happy, but with happiness came the odd sense of scarcity. He now had almost everything he dreamt about but it wasn’t enough. It lacked. It lacked, and the void felt confusing.

For a while he had considered telling Kaizuka the truth, to let all his feelings free, make a final bet against life, even though the odds were not in his favor. But then he’d imagine how Kaizuka would refuse him and feel the sheer terror. No, he couldn’t risk it. It was like giving away his last shreds of pride. There would be nothing left. So he kept on living - tormented, anxious, lacking - with steel control over his body, his mind, his thoughts.

_‘Do not think. Do not touch. Do not look. Do not. Do not!’_

Shit! How was he supposed not to look when he constantly bumped into Kaizuka as the man was leaving the darn bathroom? Just like now. The light in the living room was scarce, but enough to see all the shadows that kissed Kaizuka’s lean body. It was late; Slaine always stayed up to meet Kaizuka from work. In fact, he had been heating food while Kaizuka showered and wanted to check where Vennie had fallen asleep before Kaizuka emerged. He must have been lost in thoughts again or Kaizuka was done too fast. And now Slaine stood in the arch that led to the kitchen and watched Kaizuka’s body greedily, mesmerized by the view. Kaizuka had only a towel wrapped around his hips, and the feast was magnificent. Kaizuka seemed sleepy and tired and was ruffling his wet hair, waiting for Slaine to clear the way to the kitchen.

Usually he’d wear something after showering: a T-shirt or a bathrobe. Usually Slaine would sidestep him and hurry to his own room, but today he too was slow and reluctant to move. The yellow light of the night lamp blinked; sometimes the power surges occurred. Kaizuka turned a bit to look at the lamp, and the shadows slithered away from his bare chest, chased away by the warm light. Slaine watched as Kaizuka moved his right hand across his chest, his fingers sliding absent-mindedly over the black shapes, swarming above and under his left collarbone.

Slaine’s world crashed down along with his ability to breathe, and howled, needy, from somewhere in the pit of his stomach. He brought up his arm and closed his eyes, too shaken to trust the mere blinking. Yet, no, when he watched Kaizuka again, the tattoo was still there.

“What…” He staggered to the side, caught himself in time before falling, pressed his shoulder into the reliable wall. His voice cracked. “…is that?”

Kaizuka followed his gaze slowly, apparently, too relaxed to react properly. Or maybe, it was Slaine who was overthinking the whole matter? People did tattoos sometimes.

“A tattoo,” Kaizuka answered. Slaine felt like strangling him. The irritation must have shown on his face, because Kaizuka turned his head to the side as if Slaine’s reaction interested him, and continued, “I got it two years ago during the vacation. Inko wanted to see the sketches the saloon had, and I found this one accidently. I must admit it was a strange urge, but I saw no reason to deny myself.”

“And of all the possible variants you had to choose… _bats_?” Mad laughter was welling inside Slaine. He fought to squash it, his stare lost in the swarm of black shapes, littering Kaizuka’s part of chest from above his nipple and over his collarbone. Bats were of different size, their wings bony and sharp, and looked very dangerous. Dangerous, because Slaine now wanted nothing more but to press his teeth right over there and catch them in his mouth. Why did Kaizuka Inaho have to have _bats_ on his body?!

For a second Kaizuka looked puzzled over Slaine’s words; his fingers brushed the tattoo again, and he stared to the side. “It seemed right at the time,” he said after a long pause.

“Does it seem right _now_?” Slaine blurted out. His back met the wall, hands scraped against the worn wallpaper. A hungry beast raged inside him, desiring to gain freedom. It took all his willpower to resist it.

“Troyard, the question is irrelevant. They are a part of me now.” Kaizuka lowered his hand and threw a glance towards the kitchen. He was tenser now, must have sensed tension from Slaine’s unusual behavior, but try as he might, Slaine couldn’t control himself.

_I want to be a part of you too_ , he thought, and as he saw Kaizuka stepping past him to the kitchen, he snapped. It was over. He was going to drop the pretense; he could carry it no longer. He would bet everything that was left of him right now. And if Kaizuka Inaho would turn him away, then he’d cease to be. He was thirty three. It had been a long wait, a long life. It was enough.

Kaizuka’s skin burned his cold fingers as he clawed his way into the strong shoulders, as he pushed the man into the arch of the kitchen door. Slaine leant into the warmth of Kaizuka’s body - he had felt it once, those three years ago, but it’d been so long he had almost forgotten how good it felt. He towered over Kaizuka in a daze, holding his arm in place, using force that, perhaps, was unnecessary because Kaizuka hadn’t tried to escape yet. But Slaine could not lose this moment, could not allow the escape, so his nails left the angry marks on Kaizuka’s skin.

“I’m sorry, I can’t anymore,” he whispered, burying his nose at the base of Kaizuka’s neck. He pressed his lips there as well, holding back the insistent, desperate sob. He felt light-headed, but he had to push through. It was now or never. Kaizuka shivered under his siege: he had caught Slaine’s elbow, but seemed to be unsure of Slaine’s intentions so hadn’t acted yet. So little time was left. “I tried to stop it. I promise I did. I know I’m not worthy, and I’m ugly. And the mere idea might disgust you. I know, but I can’t. I can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Troyard?” Kaizuka’s hold on his elbow tightened as Slaine wound his hand into his dark hair, careful not to brush the straps holding the eye-patch, and gripped them so that he was able to push Kaizuka’s head to the side and whisper, feverishly, right in his ear.

“I’m in love with you.”

There was silence. Slaine’s heart beat too fast. As words slipped off his lips, the terror came. What had he just done? Ended it in the worst possible way? He let go of Kaizuka and made a step back, determined not to look at his face. Shock was overtaking him: he trembled, his eyes not leaving the floor. He dug his nails into his own hip, clutched his linen pants, crumpling the cloth mercilessly. He’d not care if he tore it.

“I’m s-sorry,” he stuttered, his voice breaking. He was on the verge of tears, but he wouldn’t saddle Kaizuka with his revolting feelings further. “Forget what I said. I’m sorry you had to hear it. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore. I’m sorry. Sorry. I’m…”

He had made several steps back already when Kaizuka caught his elbow again and forced him to stop. The world was crumbling; Slaine didn’t feel strength in his legs anymore. He was burning with shame, with inescapable ache, with the realization that it was over.

“Don’t run,” Kaizuka said sternly. Slaine would if he could. But his head was spinning and his knees were giving out. There was no place to run to in any case. “How long?”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, stepping away farther, but Kaizuka was stubbornly following him, his grip still hard.

“Tell me,” Kaizuka asked again. Slaine felt as if they were back at the beach at the end of the war, and Kaizuka held the gun again, and again didn’t want to show any mercy on him. Slaine’s back hit the wall; he slid down it, his stare still glued to the floor.

“Since before your marriage,” he breathed out helplessly, clutched at his heart and started gasping. There was no air; it was like his heart didn’t want to suffer anymore. He opened his mouth to say he was sorry again, but words didn’t come out.

“Slaine, I want you to look at me.” He couldn’t. If he saw the disgust there he’d die. Not that he would live long after staying alone in the house. Kaizuka sounded impatient then. “ _Look at me!_ ”

He did. He looked up. There was no disgust. Instead, there was clear worry. But it could not be. He was imagining things. Kaizuka was sitting near him in a crouch. Kaizuka was holding his hands; his warm fingers caressed Slaine’s thin ones over and over again. Since when? Slaine didn’t even notice the moment.

“Calm down,” Kaizuka ordered him. This time his voice sounded gentle. “Breathe. Don’t panic. I’m not going anywhere. We will talk about this more and work something out.”

He was hearing the impossible. Kaizuka was being kind to him. And it hurt. He was grateful for it, but didn’t want it. He needed an answer. A final ‘no’, an end line. Pity, kindness, generosity, understanding were all good things but not for the likes of him. He pursed his lips, a whirl of ugly, selfish emotions storming through him.

“You don’t get it,” he hissed, shook off Kaizuka’s hand, moved his own palm onto Kaizuka’s chest, fingers covering the swarm of bats, applying pressure. He wanted to imprint himself there, to find his way into Kaizuka’s heart or be denied the way there forever. He wanted the finality of an answer. “You just don’t get it. Tell me to fuck off!”

“You don’t want me to tell you to fuck off, Troyard, yet you’re asking me to do it,” Kaizuka said to him patiently, ignored Slaine’s glare. He was like a cliff, cutting all of Slaine’s waves of desperate fury. “Snap out of it. Think properly. The person I’ve considered a friend for years tells me he loves me. I need time to think.”

“What... did you just say? A friend?” Kaizuka considered him a friend? Slaine felt as if he was dying from the inside. He really wasn’t thinking straight; he knew he didn’t pay attention to the rest of Kaizuka’s words. ‘A friend’ got stuck in his head like a bullet; it twisted his brains, filled him with unbearable hurt.

“Troyard!” Kaizuka acted faster than Slaine’s thoughts reached the dangerous conclusion. Slaine yelped as Kaizuka pulled his shirt up, tore it off his arms and forced him to get up. He was too scandalized and lost to fight him so just stared forward as Kaizuka convoyed him to the bathroom, holding his arms from behind. He regretted his passivity immediately as cold water cascaded down his head, shoulders and legs, destroying his comfortable pants and freezing him to the bones.

“What the hell! Are you mad?” he screamed. The only thing that was justifying Kaizuka’s crazy stunt of shoving him under the shower was that Kaizuka was standing in the stall together with him.

“No. You are.” Kaizuka looked at his chattering teeth and finally regulated the water temperature. “Any chances of calming down?”

“Ha-ha,” Slaine laughed bitterly, his hands coming up to shield his face. He didn’t understand a thing anymore. What was going on? Why hadn’t Kaizuka turned him down yet? Why was he standing in the shower, together with Slaine, naked? Had he lost the towel along the way or he didn’t want to get it wet? No, it didn’t matter, it were just silly thoughts. Slaine gripped frantically his scalp. Kaizuka was right: he was not himself. Cold water seemed to bring him back to his senses, at least a bit.

He was shaking, either from cold or stress, it was hard to tell. His knees buckled, but he was caught in time. Kaizuka sat with him on the tiles and held him close, allowing Slaine to rest his head against his shoulder. Slaine closed his eyes, feeling weary and infinitely tired. The sound of running water was somehow soothing. “I’m sorry,” he rasped; he had been too emotional.

“It is fine,” Kaizuka reassured him. His hand caressed Slaine’s shoulder, and he pressed his chin to Slaine’s temple, perhaps, too determined to placate him. “Thank you for telling me. I must say it was unexpected. My awareness of people’s feelings lacks… severely. I assume three years ago… I had a chance to notice, but I didn’t.”

“You didn’t,” Slaine agreed. The way Kaizuka was still hugging him was heavenly. The fears dissolved, replaced by the warmth he only ever felt near Kaizuka. “And it was for the better. I’d have asked you to never see me again if you did.”

Kaizuka slipped his fingers silently into Slaine’s wet hair and combed them back. Slaine couldn’t fathom what was driving Kaizuka to do it, but he was almost lulled to sleep by the gesture. Too soon though Kaizuka leant to turn the faucet off, then helped him to stand up and found towels for them both. Slaine didn’t protest, no matter how much he wished to prolong the embrace. He followed Kaizuka’s directions without a thought; the turmoil of emotions had left him exhausted.

Kaizuka walked him to his bedroom and stopped as Slaine wordlessly held his wrist. Exhausted as he was, he wasn’t ready to stay alone, amidst the abyss of an uncertain future. But to ask Kaizuka for more after his shameful behavior?.. Slaine ended the touch, glanced sideways. The night behind the window looked the darkest he had ever seen. Even Vennie and Roxie weren’t in his bedroom. Loneliness, with its sharp fangs, was waiting for him again.

“I’ll take my blanket,” Kaizuka said in the end. Slaine nodded, anxious and guilty, climbed under the covers hastily. He then promised himself that it was going to be only for one night, like three years ago. He needed it.

Kaizuka came back in ten minutes, with a blanket and a glass of water. He put the glass on the night table and joined Slaine on the bed, arranging the blanket around himself carefully. Slaine turned off the lights and stared at the ceiling. He felt awkward and worried over what kind of thoughts Kaizuka had. But he couldn’t question him; Kaizuka had asked for time to think. What was there to think about though? How to refuse him without hurting him? It was impossible; Kaizuka must know that after today. Slaine bit his lip, feeling like he was sinking into the heavy darkness.

“Can I hold your hand?” It must have sounded pitiful but he couldn’t take his plea back. He heard the pillow rustling; Kaizuka was probably staring at him in the darkness.

He had lost all hope when Kaizuka’s firm hand found his shivering one above the covers, and their fingers entwined and stayed in unity for a long time. Kaizuka’s hold was tight and deliberate; Slaine didn’t feel any doubt or irritation or any movements that could hint at Kaizuka’s reluctance or revulsion. Kaizuka was there for him right now, selfless and kind, the same way he was there along the horde of previous years. Kaizuka wasn’t going to disappear because of the sudden knowledge of Slaine’s feelings. Unless Slaine asked him to.

The realization came to him, clear and final - Kaizuka would always be there - and at last he was able to sleep. 

***

He was tired. Not that he wasn’t before, but the feeling somehow differed. It was not the tiredness of desperation, not the physical fatigue, neither it was the exhaustion because of a lifelong wait. It also wasn’t the anxiety of expecting an answer or the weariness of being generally disappointed in life. No. He was utterly, wholly tired of feeling, feeling anything at all. Vennie and Roxie seemed to sense it - this deep, consuming apathy - and kept close, but there were days when he found it too difficult to reach out with his hand and pat them. He stayed in bed mostly, slept a lot, as a result avoided Kaizuka without meaning to. He couldn’t move; he felt so heavy even his thoughts dared not to surface. He let Kaizuka deal with all the cleaning and cooking and taking care of his fluffy family.

Weeks passed. It must have been weeks because the scenery behind the window had changed. Rains ceased, and the earth was covered by the endless white. He hadn’t seen snow in ages; the weather must have gone crazy for it to snow so much at this part of the planet. Yet, Slaine couldn’t deny that it was the first sight in weeks that had truly got his attention. Even Kaizuka’s constant visits to his room and the food he had been bringing hadn’t managed to stir him up.

He sat on the bed, keeping the warm blanket over his waist, and stared outside sleepily. The sunrays were gilding the frozen ground; the golden light was seeping into the room through the window which had frost in its corners. The house was enveloped in a cocoon of silence. Everything was so still he had a surreal feeling that time had stopped; he could clearly see how lazily dust swirled in the air highlighted by the golden rays. No wonder he missed the moment Kaizuka entered the room.

It was the big black spot on Kaizuka’s sweater that had forced him to focus his gaze. Kaizuka was approaching him slowly, hair in disarray, dressed into a strange choice of garments. His sweater was white but dotted with black round spots, his pants loose and brown. He looked so different from his usual attire Slaine was familiar with. Gone were the blue coat, always buttoned up to his neck, the black tie, the black strict pants, the boots, always scrubbed to perfection - and Slaine frowned, confused. Yes, sometimes during the weekends Kaizuka wore simple clothes, like plain t-shirts or jeans, but even then the sight was so rare he could count it on his fingers. Had he missed something important?

The sheets rustled as Kaizuka sat near him and raised his hand to touch his forehead. The touch was slow, and Slaine expected it to end soon, but it didn’t. He felt like he was still sleeping, perhaps, when Kaizuka Inaho moved the tips of his fingers over his temple, down his cheekbone and then cupped his face gently, when he let his fingers caress unhurriedly the patch of skin under his ear. Slaine followed the pull because it was a dream, surely, like all wonderful things were in his life - a dream, no more. Kaizuka leant forward, wordlessly, his red eye half-closed, the other hidden by the eye-patch, looking at Slaine’s lips, his own parted a tiny bit before their mouths met.

It was a shock; it sent shivers down his spine. A connection beyond his understanding - a touch of lips, no teeth or tongue, only warmth and soft pressure, but his whole existence was suddenly aflame, and he tilted his head to the side, welcoming, accommodating, accepting, hoping. The fear that it would die or Kaizuka would recoil in disgust came and was gone; the kiss lasted. Slaine heard a shameful needy sound that escaped the back of his throat; his hand grabbed Kaizuka’s sweater, right over one of the black spots. He tugged at it demandingly, wanting to get closer, wanting more contact because the movement of their lips just wasn’t enough, not enough. However, before he could land them both on his bed, a loud bark from the living room shuttered the overpowering daze.

Slaine jumped on the bed, crawled backwards, breathless, heart beating wildly, his hands wet and trembling, his brain refusing to work properly. He glared at Kaizuka, bewildered, but not really angry; still, it was hard to repress the defense reaction. His lips burned with echoes of the shared kiss, but he couldn’t find courage to speak. Kaizuka seemed to guess all of his unvoiced wonder. Not that it helped him the next moment when Kaizuka got up, took Roxie by her collar and turned back to him with a hint of a smile on his lips.

“A wake-up kiss,” he said before leaving the room together with an excited Roxie. The last thing Slaine saw was the girl’s tail, wiggling madly from side to side.

It took him twenty minutes to get up from the bed, dress up and then warily venture out to the kitchen. The house stood empty, only Vennie was slumbering on the couch in the living room. Kaizuka must have gone on a walk with Roxie; it was morning after all. Slaine made himself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table; his lips were still tingling. He didn’t understand a thing. How nice of Kaizuka to just do _that_ and escape with no explanations! The bastard!

To distract himself Slaine checked the calendar. He was right about the passed weeks, and today was… Tuesday? Why wasn’t Kaizuka at work? Usually he had only Sundays free. He stared at his cup, but it held no answers. He rubbed his face, touched his lips in wonder and once again became lost in the stillness of the chilly morning. Kitchen was also drowning in the golden rays, and Slaine couldn’t fight the feeling he somehow got carried away to another world. Where everything was bathed with yellow and white lights.

He heard the front door open and sucked in a breath, preparing for the inevitable. Kaizuka took his time; Roxie’s dirty paws must have needed attention. Slaine wrapped his fingers around his cup, the only anxious gesture he allowed himself, and waited. Waited until Kaizuka Inaho sat down opposite him on a chair, his pose so relaxed Slaine had to suppress another surge of irritation.

“I would have talked to you sooner but it seemed like you needed a break,” Kaizuka began.

“Maybe,” he mumbled in agreement, steeling himself. Despite the sudden kiss, Kaizuka’s decision could be anything. The worst: Kaizuka telling him about his intent to vacate the house. But then again, after their talk weeks ago, when Slaine had crumbled into an emotional heap, he somehow knew Kaizuka would never leave him behind. It was an odd sureness, but it burnt there, in his chest, steady and unbreakable. He wouldn’t be surprised if somehow his precognition powers were at work. But there was no way to know so he dropped the thought.

“I’ve considered you and me together. And I see no reason not to try,” Kaizuka then said honestly, and Slaine, who was expecting the worst, felt stupid for the anticlimactic scene Kaizuka presented him with. After all his nerves, all the pain and hurt and waiting, to get all he wanted just… just like that? With no arguments, no further convincing, no any grand talks?

“Are you kidding me?” he hissed, then stood up abruptly. His tea cup shook, tea splattered onto the table. “Why are you agreeing so easily?”

“Do I need to be difficult?” Kaizuka also got up but without hurry. He crossed the table, took Slaine’s hands into his own and pulled them closer, his studying gaze fixed to his sharp knuckles. Slaine stilled as his thin fingers were gently held. After a long pause Kaizuka added, “No, I understand your doubts. You don’t want to become an experiment. I assure you that you are not.”

“Didn’t I… hurt you?” Slaine asked pleadingly. The touch was making him docile, though staying calm was almost impossible now. His head whirled; he closed his eyes and pursed his lips. It was a good thing Kaizuka stood close: he became a solid support when Slaine laid his forehead on his shoulder and tried to breathe.

“I’ve always regarded you as a strong person,” Kaizuka let Slaine’s hands free and completed the embrace. He dragged his palm up Slaine’s spine and rested it against his shoulder blade. “A worthy person. You made bad decisions, I did too, but it was war. I never blamed you for my eye, Slaine.”

The sound of his name forced him to cling to Kaizuka tighter. His warmth, his scent, his strength… everything was too much, but at the same time too little. Slaine locked his hands behind Kaizuka’s back. There was no way he would ever let go now.

“You and I,” Kaizuka continued; one of his hands went up to smooth Slaine’s hair in a tender caress, “Have grown. We are over thirty. Adults, if you squint. Let me be straightforward about this.”

Slaine pulled a bit away to be able to look at Kaizuka. He couldn’t guess what Kaizuka was going to say but he felt it was important.

“Since you stayed quiet for the last few weeks, and my work contract had finally ended, I had a lot of free time to think the situation over. And I’ve come to the conclusion that actually surprised me.” Slaine’s heart skipped a beat when Kaizuka’s lips formed a shy smile. He listened further, not yet realizing his world was going to be thrown upside down very soon. “I was never good at relationships; my failed marriage is the brightest testament to that. Figuring my feelings or others’ feelings is something I will probably always struggle with. Slaine, I think I…”

Warm hand touched his mouth; tips of Kaizuka’s fingers dragged over his lower lip. Kaizuka wasn’t looking him in the eyes anymore. He stared at Slaine’s lips as if he really wanted to connect with them. “I think I was interested in you since long ago. You were always an enigma, an intricate, engaging riddle. I had to help you, keep you safe, see to your future.”

He choked on air. What the hell Kaizuka was talking about?

“I had a lot of rows with Inko about seeing you, but our meetings were the only thing I was never willing to give up. You were a constant, a necessity; in my mind you had to exist. It was a law, a rule of my own creation, and I never before dwelled on why. I even made that tattoo, and perhaps I know now why of all the other options I had chosen bats, and why it felt so fitting.”

“Kaizuka,” Slaine croaked; he didn’t feel like standing anymore. He desperately needed to sit down.

“Let me finish,” Kaizuka said, but seemed to notice Slaine’s condition, because he gripped his shoulders wordlessly and stirred him back to the bedroom. It was sheer luck Slaine hadn’t stumbled over anything as he was going backwards all the way, with half-closed eyes. He didn’t dare look at Kaizuka, not yet. He fell on the bed immediately as he felt the push; the bed creaked, welcoming him back. “I have never noticed how peaceful the world becomes when I’m with you. Not until I started living here. My marriage was wrecked, my sister and friends were angry at me for letting Inko go, I had no home anymore. And then I came here and… all of those worries were simply gone. I didn’t understand it: how could an ordinary match of chess against you make me feel better?”

“You…” His hand went up to claw into Kaizuka’s shoulder on its own accord; the soft cloth of the sweater crumpled under his grip. Keeping his back straight was too hard, so Slaine found a nest for his nose at the base of Kaizuka’s neck, then moved even closer and pressed his body into the other’s. His limbs settled into the new embrace like they always belonged there. And when Kaizuka’s arms came up to hold him tight Slaine felt how hot his cheeks had become: he was crying silently, crying out the years of anguish, of no future, the years that had so little meaning sometimes he desired the end.

“I’m sorry you had to wait, Slaine,” Kaizuka whispered softly. “I cannot redo the past. But if you still want me then I want to be here for you. I want to see what you and me - we - can grow into. I want to be this kind of selfish. Will you allow me it?”

“Inaho.” It was hard to get the words out. He wasn’t sobbing but the tears just kept on and on, and all he could do was dig his nails deeper into Kaizuka’s clothes and tremble. After several useless attempts he finally surrendered and managed to breathe out the only word, “Anything.”

He didn’t remember clearly how later they got under the bed covers and settled in for a long nap. His body was still shivering, eyes red and refusing to open. But there was a firm chest his hand was resting against, and there were whispers that promised an eternity.

“Shhh, I’ve got you, Slaine. I’ve got you.”

He needed nothing else.

***

Slaine spent the rest of the month in a daze; apparently, his mind wasn’t ready for the sudden changes. He felt grateful to Kaizuka for not pushing the matter. They had started sharing his bed but it was the only sign of their advancing relationship. Kaizuka wasn’t forthcoming with intimacy, although Slaine definitely noticed his keen stares. Still, Slaine wasn’t ready. How could he be after a lifetime of void? The shame of having no experience also gnawed at him: would Kaizuka be able to enjoy his body? He knew Inaho probably didn’t have any experience with men either, but it was small consolation - at least he had _someone_.

If he knew that even the promise of having a partner would bring back so many fears and doubts he might have plucked his hair out in distress earlier. For now he was very lucky Roxie or Vennie or Kaizuka, the devil, kept distracting him. Roxie needed walks and food; Vennie needed food and plays; Kaizuka simply stared at him until Slaine, torn between being irritated and shy, would follow him to the kitchen to have dinner. He understood his weird behavior couldn’t go on forever, but had no energy to explore the vast new territory that was Kaizuka Inaho. It was unknown and too precious to allow himself mistakes.

So, like a true evil doer he was, he kept stealing touches during the night when Kaizuka was safely asleep. Slaine studied the expanses of his arms and chest, let his hands slide under Kaizuka’s t-shirt and linger there. The skin under his fingers was delightfully warm, the muscles lean and hard, the path of hair, disappearing under Kaizuka’s pajamas, too sinfully inviting. He was a shameless thief, greedy and starving, as he traced it and stopped at a spot where all pretenses of modesty usually ended.

He must have made a sound or touched too roughly because Kaizuka suddenly stirred, rolled lazily onto his side to turn on the night lamp, then back to stare sleepily at him. Slaine first hid his guilty hands under the blanket and then decided to hide himself there as well so that only half of his face was left above the cover. They had a small staring contest before Kaizuka rubbed his eye tiredly, reached with his hand under the blanket and held on Slaine’s wrist, no doubt to prevent him from retreating in embarrassment.

“While I completely enjoy your sneakiness, Slaine, perhaps we should talk about it,” he said, burying his face back in the pillow. “I realize the changes between us are hard on you, but I really want you to feel comfortable for… anything. Sex as well.” 

Ah, no, of all the things Kaizuka could have thought about he had decided that the fault in Slaine’s timidity lied with him. There was no way Slaine could run away from the talk now. He crumpled the blanket in his free hand and tugged it down from his face. Enough of being a child. “It’s… it’s not about you, Inaho… It’s me, honestly. My… my body is a mess.”

Kaizuka kept silent for a moment, contemplating his words. “How so? Just because of scars?”

“Yes, and… I’m not a woman!” Slaine hurried to add in case scars didn’t seem as a good enough reason.

“That’s a plus. Since our physiology is the same we can read each other’s bodies better.”

Well, there was some logic in Kaizuka’s words, Slaine had to admit. But to choose his scarred and bony body over the woman’s soft plains and curves? It was something he couldn’t get around to imagine easily. He had to be even more honest now if he wanted Kaizuka to understand him at all.

“I… I didn’t have anyone ever…” he tried, only to hear the same serene tone of Kaizuka’s voice.

“I didn’t have a male partner before too but I’ve already looked into it, and it doesn’t seem too difficult.”

Slaine choked on his next words, “You looked into it?”

“I wouldn’t have approached you if I wasn’t very sure about sex. While it’s not the most important part of life, it is important.”

“What if you won’t like it with me?” Slaine breathed out, his most terrible fear finally voiced openly. He didn’t even notice how tightly his hand had gripped Kaizuka’s under the blanket. He became aware of it only now as he felt the gentle way Kaizuka was caressing his wrist.

“What if _you_ won’t like it with me?” Kaizuka turned to lie on his back and fixed his eye-patch that threatened to reveal his empty eye-socket. Slaine had a suspicion Kaizuka wore it during the night only for Slaine’s sake. The straps looked too uncomfortable to put up with them during sleep. “Slaine, this discussion is unreasonable. You will keep voicing things that may or may not happen, and it’ll get us nowhere. I’m not saying we should have sex right now to find out. But stop thinking up reasons for me to keep you at a distance. I won’t keep you at a distance. I want to share my life with you, that includes my body.”

Kaizuka was right. Slaine was being irrational, guided by his fears. And Kaizuka didn’t deserve it; he was going into the relationship open and honest. The only right thing for Slaine to do was to get his shit together and meet Kaizuka halfway.

“Alright,” he declared bravely and threw his blanket to the side. “Let’s do it. Let’s have sex right now.”

A laugh slipped from Kaizuka’s lips, and Slaine whirled his head to the side to look at his smiling face. He’d never before seen Kaizuka smiling so widely, and instantly felt his own cheeks burning with warmth. He had made Inaho laugh. Even though he didn’t plan for it he had made Inaho laugh. Warmth seemed to assault his whole body; the feeling was unfamiliar but he liked it, he wanted to feel like that every day.

“You’re being silly,” Kaizuka informed him calmly, but his lips, still curved upwards, gave away his amusement. “I think I finally understand the meaning of ‘cute’ though.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Slaine huffed and gave in to the desire to shove his pillow into Kaizuka’s face. “Here I’m offering sex to him, and he says I’m cute.”

“Now it’s a war, Troyard,” Kaizuka warned him before he sent Slaine’s pillow flying back.

It was a first time Slaine had a pillow fight. Fears about sex forgotten, he kept jumping around the house for twenty minutes, trying to ambush Kaizuka and not to fall prey to his ambushes. They had scared Vennie off the windowsill, forced Roxie to relocate her sleepy self under the bed and in the end broke a tea cup, left on the coffee table. The loud crash became a reason for a ceasefire, and after they had cleaned the mess Slaine was glad to return back to bed. He was the one smiling now; the silly activity had made him happy. And now that Kaizuka was mumbling him a ‘good night’, having draped himself all over Slaine’s back, Slaine felt even more happy. He was gone to the land of dreams very soon, unbothered by his usual doubts and worries.

A kiss to his neck was what had awakened him. Long and hungry and wet: teeth scraping over where the teasing tongue was touching him a moment ago, lips caressing the places where the greedy bites were landing. He shivered, too relaxed after sleep to react properly, and tilted his head back, opening his neck for the further invasion. Lost in the pleasant sensations, he lifted his hands and found Kaizuka’s arms to hold onto. Only when he tried to hug him he actually realized Kaizuka was almost lying over him, his weight a delectable presence pinning Slaine to bed. The kisses continued as Kaizuka’s mouth slowly descended down his neck, and Slaine gasped, feeling as his body was coming alive in the way he never suspected it was able to.

“What…” he didn’t quite manage to utter a question and shut his mouth in fear of letting out a moan, because right now Kaizuka’s tongue was tracing his collarbone and Slaine liked it a little too much. He also clearly remembered he had clothes on before sleeping, but the only thing he could feel was in place now were his pajama pants. And _Kaizuka_ had problems with his sneakiness? Right, what a bastard!

“I never said no to sex,” Kaizuka clarified as he set back on Slaine’s hips and removed his t-shirt over his head. Slaine stared at his bare chest, seeming too pale in the grey morning light. He couldn’t resist touching the tattoo: his fingers caressed the black shapes of the swarming bats, and he felt restless, his old desire to imprint himself on Kaizuka’s skin suddenly resurfacing. He tried to sit up but it was hard with Kaizuka leaning all over him again. As a result he started wriggling and must have alerted Kaizuka, because he stopped and looked at him in worry. “Slaine?”

“W-want to kiss it,” it sounded absurd even to his own ears, but he _needed_ to do it. His cheeks flushed, heart beating insistently, hands clutching the bed sheets, Slaine stared at Kaizuka, hoping he wasn’t looking like an idiot. Thankfully, Inaho had immediately climbed off his hips, sat close to him and tapped his fingers against the tattoo, inviting Slaine to do what he wanted.

“I apologize. I’m just too impatient.”

Slaine pressed his lips into the skin over the tattoo and almost sucked one of the bats into his mouth, then dragged his teeth over the same place, feeling unexplainably needy. His hands held Kaizuka’s shoulders, kept him near. His pose, hunched, as he leant his head into Kaizuka’s chest must have been strange, shameful even, but his brain had shut down completely. He wanted to keep on biting and licking and kissing the damn tattoo. At some point it became too much, and he growled, sliding his palms down Kaizuka’s chest. The firmness of it made his head spin; his body moved on its own, and in a second he found himself pressed into Kaizuka. If he moved a bit further he’d be sitting on his lap. He looked at Inaho from beneath, possibly with the same amount of eagerness Vennie radiated before getting her cherished meat. Shit. Why was he thinking about his cat while Kaizuka was within his reach?

As their eyes locked again he let his hand wonder up Inaho’s back, let it find its way into the dark ruffled hair and then slowly unclasped the leather straps. There was no resistance as the eye-patch fell on the bed. Kaizuka’s eyelid was sewed and Slaine caressed its corner softly. It was not a pleasant sight. Slaine could only guess why Inaho couldn’t get an artificial eye; he decided to ask later. Though the sight didn’t disgust him, the pang of regret cooled him down. Kaizuka kissed his palm reassuringly as they both stilled.

The house was so quiet Slaine could hear the whispering sounds of the sea outside. Slowly, as if some invisible line had been finally crossed, they started kissing. It never grew as hungry as he expected it would but it was long, steady and bewitching. He listened to Kaizuka’s gasps and never tried to control his own breathing. His lips became wet and shivering, and he tipped his head back when he could take it no more. The bed welcomed him, supported his arching body. Inaho was kissing his chest and belly and touching Slaine where nobody had ever touched him. He had thought it would feel immoral or too embarrassing, but it didn’t, not anymore.

“Say my name,” he pleaded, but there was no desperation in his words. For the first time in his life he was very sure he wouldn’t be denied.

“Slaine.”

Ah, so this was how it really felt, he thought, as he drifted in the sea of unfathomable pleasure. This was how it felt when the world belonged to you.

***

“You hadn’t had any visions lately,” Kaizuka said absent-mindedly as he was finishing washing the dishes.

“No, I had one,” Slaine smiled, ogling the small part of Kaizuka’s skin on his lower back which very conveniently wasn’t hidden by the shirt. Sex between them was still new and not properly explored yet so he used every chance to study Kaizuka’s body. “It showed you and Roxie rolling in the dirt at the beach, but I didn’t tell you. Looked too fun.”

“…That cost me two hours of laundry, Troyard,” Kaizuka didn’t sound too pleased, but not angry either. He threw a glance over his shoulder at Slaine.

Slaine let out all of his playful mood, “Oh, I’ll make it up to you… mmm, somehow, somewhere… Today, maybe?”

“Maybe,” Kaizuka agreed, then his look became unfocused again, “But we’re running low on condoms. I should drive to the city.”

Slaine coughed. Trust Kaizuka to chat about sex so freely but still kill any possible spicy mood. Slaine would definitely go mad while he stayed at the house, unemployed. Right now Kaizuka was considering joining the military science crew and studying the Aldnoah, but he lacked a lot of knowledge to apply there and needed to receive a degree as well. That was why he spent most days glued to his computer, reading Slaine’s father’s research - life _was_ full of irony - and other materials. Despite his studies Kaizuka made sure to spend time with Slaine so it still felt like a honeymoon. Slaine was beyond happy.

He stopped in the living room in front of the mirror, listening to how fast Kaizuka was dressing up. Kaizuka was efficient in many things; some of them bordered on absurdity, but it was a trait Slaine loved in him. Actually, Slaine loved everything in him, especially the way he licked Slaine’s… when they were… No, naughty thoughts. He’ll think them when Inaho would be back, and he’d be able to act and not wallow in dreams.

“I’ll get back soon,” Kaizuka promised as he paused for a moment behind Slaine, and Slaine suddenly found himself in a tight hug. Lips kissed his neck, arms slithered around his body, and he gladly angled his limbs towards Inaho’s embrace. 

It was when he was left alone that he suddenly understood that he had already experienced it - the moment he had just shared with Inaho. He had seen it in his vision, a horde of years ago. Back then he had written it off to his wishful thinking, because never before he had visions, showing anything positive. It was the one and only good vision that his precognition power had bestowed on him, and the realization that it had come true after all made him weak on his legs. The mystery of it was overwhelming. Slaine rested on the couch near sleeping Vennie and caressed her fur with trembling fingers; the girl purred. 

He rubbed his chest tentatively, feeling strangely scared and thankful at the same time. The power he still didn’t understand had saved Inaho and allowed him to be happy. It kept by his side at his worst and best moments. It was something he never wanted but learned to accept. Like life itself, it had brought him joys and challenges, and now it burned somewhere deep inside him, an invisible, unstoppable core.

“Well, I guess, stranger things happen?” Slaine muttered, stared with a smile at Vennie, and she meowed in agreement as he stroked her little paw.


End file.
